Do you remember the conversation we had probably three years back when a student in your class used the N-word? Do you recall how casual and unbothered your response was? I remember it as it happened a couple of hours ago. I don’t think I will ever forget that conversation. Something about it haunts me till today. You said, “I don’t know what the fuss is about this. It’s not like Black people don’t refer to themselves this way. I mean, it is in all their music.”
I froze when you said that. A part of me fled my body and stared back at me in disbelief. I never had a rebuttal to what you said. I never confronted you about it because I am so good at wearing an unbothered face. That interaction still haunts me, and I haven’t figured out how to deal with it. Three years later, I still enact that conversation in my head.
A year later, that conversation would return. The universe has a way of forcing us to deal with the problematic views we try to bury and avoid addressing. This time I was enraged; I couldn’t understand why I needed to explain that nowhere in history has this term ever been used as a way of endearment. I was tired of having to experience that violence all over again. I believe children do pick up on what values we uphold; you know, the unsaid ones. Like when there are no dire consequences for treating others as less human. Why were we surprised that he chose that vocabulary later on?
These microaggressions have made me hyper-aware, an over-thinker and overly guarded. I wanted an apology. Part of me still expects that apology, but I have also learned how not to expect decency from people because it is all too overwhelming to wait around for it. I stay away from social interactions because I am unsure what will come out of my mouth if someone says something dumb, and I have to work with them for the rest of the year. A lot is bottled up inside of me; I have to exercise a lot of restraint. My social interactions outside of work are my only safe space, and I cannot allow someone to disturb the tranquillity I have created. But also, it is the only way I know how to navigate these spaces and keep sane.
