Collaboration continues to be one of those areas I struggle with and partially, I think it is a trauma response and a coping mechanism to keep my sanity.
I consider myself an introvert which means I need time to think and I replenish myself by retreating to myself. Working in predominantly white spaces has felt like I have had to prove myself. That I am a competent teacher that is passionate about what I do and that my ideas matter. One of the underlying components to the success of the collaboration is to treat each other as equals and get to know each other on a human level. Now, this is where I always have my walls up. Some of the most detrimental microaggressions I have experienced have been from my colleagues. Because I spend so much time with them. So in a bid to protect myself, I have had these walls up to vet my colleagues. In that time, I am being hyper-vigilant, listening for cues, watching the dynamics for me to assess what my interaction might look like in the group. So for the time I should be collaborating and looking for connections with my peers, I spend it analyzing patterns, assessing potential harmful rhetoric, and thinking of ways to protect my sanity. Instead of doing my job, I am spending the first couple of months vetting whether this is a safe space for me to learn, explore be vulnerable, and avoid harmful situations.
Collaborative spaces can be unsafe and violent when people haven’t been given the tools and unpacked their bigotry and when there are no systems to keep everyone accountable. In retrospect, it’s not that I am an anti-social being but most of the time I am exhausted from my hyper-vigilance and need time to recuperate
