I recall my first Open House evening because I spent part of that evening crying my eyes out in the student bathroom. Next, I wore a face that said; I am a personable teacher that looks forward to having your child this year. I smiled my way through that evening, feelings locked away before I could get to the privacy of my bed when I could sort through those feelings. A colleague had chastised me for choosing to opt-out of a planning meeting. After a day punctured with different planning sessions, I could only take on so much. My social battery had died, but I had to keep going. After recovering from that incident, I decided to speak up for myself more and set boundaries. To function and contribute to my team, I can only take in so much at a time before I shut down.
This pushover continued into our meetings. My ideas are usually outlandish, and I like to venture out and try new things. Sometimes, these ideas weren’t deemed safe, and now and again would get dismissed. Rather than have thought-provoking conversations where we would bash ideas out, I would go out on a tangent and try out what I wanted to anyway. Because I was done having my visions haunt me for never trying them out. Now, I will share my thoughts with an already made up decision to try them, and I do not wait for the approval. I just let it be known.
To be able to speak, I need to think. Silence is never uncomfortable. After the six week break, one of the things I worry about is the first day back when people can’t stop talking. What I did in the past was show up at the very last minute; that way, I miss up on the 30 minutes of catching up.
Finding the balance between being a friendly colleague that makes small talk and being a total recluse is such a tricky balance to find. Partially, I am grateful for online school because I get to regulate how much I engage with humans and how much of my introversion feeds into my social anxiety?
