My belief or my unsaid rule regarding connections and friendships in a school setting is not to have any. It shocks me that this has been my unsaid rule because knowing that it is unhealthy. You miss out on basking in the great relationships and moments you form at the moment; I don’t have the strength and fortitude that comes from losing friendships, people and moving on.
So what I do is never be too invested in people and things. Sometimes I move on as nothing happened. That is my coping mechanism. Relationships seem transient, and that is too much instability for me to keep up.
I stopped keeping in touch with a great colleague I first worked with when I started teaching. We were indeed friends. So many life lessons I gleaned from our time together. Then she retired. I broke the communication. Sometimes I say I will reach out to her, but I am too emotionally exhausted to follow through.
When the pandemic first hit and we were required to work from home, it was an escape for me. Two of my colleagues were leaving, and I’m not too fond of goodbyes. So I never gave them a proper goodbye. I never contributed to the “goodbye books and great moments video” because I never want to deal with separation.
I’m sure they must have felt like I was this callous-unemotional person they had worked with me for years that never truly cared. I’m not particularly eager to deal with those emotions. I think either they are overwhelming for me, or I might have turned into that emotionless pillar of salt. Maybe I am both.
This end of year’s goodbye, when everyone else was feeling emotional and celebrating the great times we shared with those that we’re leaving, I turned my volume off. I opened my amazon wishlist and added some pink fury high heels that I wanted. I was not going to break out in tears in a cafe.
When a colleague died by suicide this year, I never opened the email that bore that news. I never attended the staff briefing. I never went to his memorial. I have avoided the room he worked. I haven’t erased his contact from my phone. The other day I saw a street that had his name on it. Some days I felt like I saw him in the hallway, nodding his head in my direction as we exchange our good mornings. I am careful not to act carelessly with my laptop or have tech issues because I know he cannot fix it.
The Capricorn that I am is usually calm and collected, and I realise I do this to mask and avoid what I should be allowing myself to feel. But for me to keep it together and not feel like I am losing it, the easier way is to keep it moving lest I turn back and turn into a pillar of salt.
